Category: Travel

This may be the end

I’ve just been to the Kruger National Park for a couple of days and gosh, it was astonishing. The game lodge, Africa on Foot, is gorgeous and rustic, we had elephant wandering through camp, saw lion bring down a buffalo, met fabulous people, swam, ate delicious food, watched the birds and bees, ambled with giraffe and drank single malt under magnificent African sunsets.

Now I’m back home and my job is to write a travel story, praising Africa on Foot, who definitely deserve praising.

But it’s really hot.

It was hot in Kruger, over forty degrees, and it’s really hot back home in Jozi too.

Which means it’s impossible to focus. Or to wear clothes. I can feel the sun on my skin and there’s sweat dripping down my cleavage. I cannot imagine stringing a sentence together let alone think of using punctuation.

So instead of writing a fabulous and original travel blog,  I googled ‘best game lodge.’ I thought of course Africa on Foot would pop up and I could cheat a little with the story.

But the heat got to me and I somehow googled ‘best sex toys’ instead.

Reader!

There are some fabulous sex toys out there.

I found a platinum vibrator covered with diamonds that sells for over eight thousand dollars, a dream love chair for ten thousand, and a very expensive royal dildo that makes you cry out in ecstasy every time a sapphire hits your g-spot.

It costs a million dollars and apparently Victoria Beckham has one.

There’s also a silver butt plug which I will not try or buy but it is kinda fascinating. It has a horse hair tail and who knew butt plugs had tails at all but okay, anyway, horse hair, horses, this brings me back to animals.

We saw, up close and personal, lion and leopard, rhino, buffalo, hippo, all the plains game and beautiful birds.

We oohed and aahed our way through every sighting.

Much the same one would do with a royal vibrator.

I imagine.

Anyway.

It’s still very hot.

So hot I’m struggling with grammar, spelling and punctuation.

So hot I may never write a Violet post again.

So hot I need lots of ice in my whisky.

I need a cold shower.

I need to cool down.

Or maybe I need a royal gold sapphire and pearl encrusted million dollar hits that g-spot every time vibrator.

Happy holidays!

royal

http://www.africaonfoot.com

Upgrade

I never do upgrades on my phone but last night something flashed and said iOS 10 upgrade upgrade so I pushed the button, left it do its thing and went to sleep.

I had a good night, woke feeling groovy and refreshed, made coffee, switched my phone on and suddenly it wanted two passwords and a verification code and then just blocked me full time.

What the fuck.

I couldn’t get on or in and maybe I’ve been hacked or maybe I’ve just messed it all up but of course I am flying to Cape Town in like one hour so you know…

These are my last few minutes online.

My last few minutes online!

Then I’m closing my computer and dear sweet goddesses I will be out of touch for a couple of days.

It’s like a no choice thing.

I am going to be forced to talk to real people, walk on the beach, swim in the ocean, not photograph anything or anyone, drink at least 300 cocktails, climb one mountain and deal with my phone when I get back.

I am pissed that I pushed the stupid upgrade button.  Apparently everyone knows not to do it.

But you know, I did it.

And maybe in a way, this is going to be an upgrade.

Not for my phone, but for me.

Total time out.

Total chill.

See you in a few days. Hope I make it.

iphone

Things a girl needs

A passport
Moonlight
A breeze
A dog who smiles
And never leaves her side
A hip flask
Summer frocks
And straw hats
Imported chocolate
Dance
Joni Mitchell
Ice lollies
Freshly picked mint
A good book
Good friends
Coffee beans
And a grinder
A picnic blanket
Fishnet stockings
A little love, here and there

Wi-fi

And the most fabulous pair
of Valentino shoes.

valentino

Weekend getaway

‘Let’s go away for the weekend,’ I suggested. ‘Somewhere with a plunge pool, a Spa, delicous food, good wine.’

‘Where are you suggesting, Violet?’

A bit more enthusiasm would’ve been cool but I’ve got used to his cold unyielding ways.

‘I donno, there are lots of places, I’ll have a look, find something lovely, not too far. We can take books, read, do nothing, go for long walks, swim…’

‘When, Violet?’

Any time, look at your calendar, let’s go now, next weekend, whenever, soon…’

He was quiet for a while. Then…

‘You want to take books with?’

‘Yes. Imagine two full days without phones, no other people, just a book a day. You like reading don’t you?’

More silence.

I knew I was pushing it. But still, a weekend away.

‘Okay,’ he said. ‘Make the arrangements.’

I nearly fell off my chair. He’s never been so easy about anything.

‘But make it close to home. It should be environmentally friendly, self-sustainable, have an extra length king size bed with two duvets, non-allergic pillows, 800 thread cotton sheets, pocket sprung mattress, extra size bathtub and shower, thick decent towels, no children anywhere nearby, no cats, no horses, a bar fridge, single malt, the finest wine, complimentary cigars, crystal glasses…’

‘That’s it? That’s all?’ I asked.

‘Oh. And let’s take another woman with us,’ he said. ‘Let me know when you’ve booked.’

So much for easy.

romance