‘How come you’re not blogging anymore Violet?’ my difficult friend asked me. ‘Is it just for the winter or have you quit the blogging world?’ I had been thinking the very same thing. Why wasn’t I blogging? I thought very carefully before giving my answer … Continue reading And I’m back…
This evening I wolfed down peri-peri chicken, lay on the couch, watched the soccer and drank an ice cold beer.
It was perfect.
And Man U won.
Then I washed my face, brushed my teeth, flossed, put on moisturiser and got into bed.
I reached into my bedside drawer to get my book and okay look maybe I can’t hold my beer but I just have to share with you, it is the perfect drawer.
There are two vibrators, a bit of pot, a couple of sleeping tablets, some old sparklers and a small bottle of airplane whisky.
There was no book.
I’m your DREAM GIRL.
Moisturised, minty-breathed, buzzed, not reading but then I can’t be perfect, wearing cosy pyjamas and very very sleepy.
Call me in the morning?
Maybe we’ll light the sparklers.
There’s a fabulous dive bar in my hood and last time I went there with my girlfriends we got a little bit drunk, planned a trip to Bali and the next day we’d booked our air tickets and were already trying on bikinis. Last night … Continue reading Looking for a mechanic.
I’m lying on my bed with my Mac but my instructions are to never leave it lying on the covers or it may smother and overheat. The man at the store was very stern. ‘If you’re going to use it in bed, put a thick … Continue reading Charm me, Eat Me, Drink Me.
Remember that scene in Pulp Fiction where Uma OD’d on heroin then Travolta smashes the injection into her chest and zing boom she comes back to life. I felt like that just after I got a call from the Apple store to say ‘Mrs Online, … Continue reading High
I’ve just been to the Kruger National Park for a couple of days and gosh, it was astonishing. The game lodge, Africa on Foot, is gorgeous and rustic, we had elephant wandering through camp, saw lion bring down a buffalo, met fabulous people, swam, ate delicious food, watched the birds and bees, ambled with giraffe and drank single malt under magnificent African sunsets.
Now I’m back home and my job is to write a travel story, praising Africa on Foot, who definitely deserve praising.
But it’s really hot.
It was hot in Kruger, over forty degrees, and it’s really hot back home in Jozi too.
Which means it’s impossible to focus. Or to wear clothes. I can feel the sun on my skin and there’s sweat dripping down my cleavage. I cannot imagine stringing a sentence together let alone think of using punctuation.
So instead of writing a fabulous and original travel blog, I googled ‘best game lodge.’ I thought of course Africa on Foot would pop up and I could cheat a little with the story.
But the heat got to me and I somehow googled ‘best sex toys’ instead.
There are some fabulous sex toys out there.
I found a platinum vibrator covered with diamonds that sells for over eight thousand dollars, a dream love chair for ten thousand, and a very expensive royal dildo that makes you cry out in ecstasy every time a sapphire hits your g-spot.
It costs a million dollars and apparently Victoria Beckham has one.
There’s also a silver butt plug which I will not try or buy but it is kinda fascinating. It has a horse hair tail and who knew butt plugs had tails at all but okay, anyway, horse hair, horses, this brings me back to animals.
We saw, up close and personal, lion and leopard, rhino, buffalo, hippo, all the plains game and beautiful birds.
We oohed and aahed our way through every sighting.
Much the same one would do with a royal vibrator.
It’s still very hot.
So hot I’m struggling with grammar, spelling and punctuation.
So hot I may never write a Violet post again.
So hot I need lots of ice in my whisky.
I need a cold shower.
I need to cool down.
Or maybe I need a royal gold sapphire and pearl encrusted million dollar hits that g-spot every time vibrator.
I’m a little bit worried because I have the new Tango Mini Vibrator and I’m supposed to review it but I can’t find it anywhere.
I mean I have already used it, once or twice or maybe thirty times, but I am a perfectionist and I wanted to complete my research and I’m home alone and it feels like an excellent night to work.
But where is it, dammit.
I’ve looked everywhere.
It’s not in my bedside drawer although I have found other lovely goodies and ooh look it’s the purple toy, no Violet stop, now, find the mini pink one, this is work, dammit, take it seriously, this is paid work.
It’s not in my handbag and I’m not quite sure why it would be anyway, I don’t exactly go shopping with it.
It’s not at my difficult friend’s house because I haven’t taken it there yet even though he has asked me a few times but he is so difficult dammit, and oh god what if my cleaning lady found it or I left it in the car or my kids, or…
That is the problem with the We-Vibe Tango mini vibrator.
It’s quite small which means it is quite easy to lose.
I am going to have to give it a bad review.
I mean I loved it in the bedroom and I loved it on my grey couch and I used it in the bath with warm water and bubbles and it was pretty good and I added more hot water and used it again and over and over and one more time and oh good god goddesses that’s where it is, in the bathroom, still on the edge of the bath, jesus, okay, phew, got it, let me continue the review, it’s waterproof, it’s fantastic, you should all buy one immediately.
Just remember, always put it away.