Category: religion

Atonement

‘What are you doing Violet?’

I’m here, home, in the sunshine, the garden, hanging out…’

‘Yes, but what are you doing Violet?’

‘Here, I told you, hanging, in my robe, it’s pretty, pink, silky, I’m in the garden..’

‘But..’

‘I’m naked underneath. The sun on my skin, feeling really good.’

‘Violet…’

‘You asked me, I’m telling you, I’m home, feels so good, so damn good…’

He put the phone down.

Oh God God, I get it, God…

I think he wanted to hear me say I’m atoning.

I called him back.

‘Yes yes, I’m atoning, yes, sorry, it felt so good, it feels so good….’

He laughed.

And said God bless. 

Thank goodness it’s okay to atone in many different ways.

Have a blessed day, Jewish readers, all readers, everywhere, the whole world, peace, love, to all of you.

GOD!!!

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Bliss

Dear Violet.  Please join us for a Night of Bliss with Pastor Chris.   Don’t miss this opportunity to change your life.  It’s free and fabulous, but bring your wallet anyway. Donations are always welcome.

I didn’t have any other plans for Saturday night, but still – I knew this was one date I would turn down.

I replied saying Thanks but No Thanks and with all good blessings you cunts may want to remove me from your mailing list.

I have read all about Pastor Chris and yeah, he’s not my kind of guy when it comes to bliss.

My bliss promises good wine, fresh vegetables and fabulous sex.

His bliss promises to cure HIV, heal the sick, remove piles and oh, if you’re struggling to fall pregnant, he’ll help you with that too.

You can get your virginity back if you want it (apparently you should), rise from your wheelchair, find a young wife, or a new wife, and cure all your smells.

Cure your smells?

Who is this Pastor Chris with his sexist, misogynistic, bullshit behaviour and false promises. And why do people come from far and wide, clutching their crutches, to be healed?

Why does he have so much money while his congregation have none?

And most importantly, why does he have one hundred and ninety five thousand million followers while I only have a few hundred?

I try so hard to offer bliss to my readers too. Maybe not via God and false promises, but you know, underwear, champagne, nudity and skinny dipping are also pretty important.

Yet only his followers drop to the floor and yell Hallelujah, sweet Jesus and thank you thank you bless you God.

I’m getting pissed off readers.

I expect more praise.

More hallelujahs.

More fainting spells.

Just keep it real, for Gods sake.

And send money.

Amen.

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