Yesterday I used the word ‘cuntish’ on Facebook and for the first time in years my feminist friends didn’t leap down my throat. Instead, they rolled their Facebook eyes, smiled and said ‘Ugh, you’re never gonna learn’ and carried on discussing the latest South African … Continue reading I’m sorry I offended you.
Today in the park my dog Fred met a Pitbull named Molly and ‘got that look in his eyes.’ My other dog barked and growled at everyone and every dog imaginable. She’s a daschund; they’re nasty like that. I saw six Japanese tourists all dressed … Continue reading On love and dogs
When you finally finally delete The Difficult Guy off your phone but you don’t just delete him you block him from everything you can possibly block him from, then you give away everything he ever gave you and you hope The Homeless Guy enjoys the … Continue reading Fire
I’m lying on the bed, wrapped in a towel, staring at my closet. But instead of choosing something to wear, or agonising over what to wear, I’m thinking how a few days ago a certain man said: ’Violet, you have more dresses than anyone else … Continue reading A frock or two
‘So this guy is really nice,’ I told my girlfriend. ‘He’s bright, funny, entertaining, almost everything about him is right. But he has quite a history, and it worries me. I think I’m just going to do the friend thing again.’ She looked at me … Continue reading Dating
I just read about men getting Botox in their balls to iron out the wrinkles and dear sweet goddesses, my Monday is ruined. It’s called Scrotox and honestly what the fuck but balls have always been wrinkled and will always be wrinkled and Jesus Christ … Continue reading Balls
‘You wanna tell me what’s going on?’ I asked.‘ I can tell you’re cross with me and I have no idea why.’ ‘You don’t listen, Violet.’ ‘I don’t? I thought I was a great listener. I’m so sorry. When…’ ‘See, you don’t hear, you don’t … Continue reading Violet, the Witch