I blog about food and dogs and wine because Jesus Christ what is going on in this country. We read the news and it’s never ending, baby rape, child rape, rape, sexual assault which has been out of control for fucking years, racism, farm murders, … Continue reading This is not fine
I’d waited in the queue for ages and when I got to the front the officer looked at me, looked at the paperwork, shook her head and pointed in the direction of another building. ‘Why?’ I asked. ‘Because you were not born here,’ she replied, … Continue reading That queue please, you’re foreign
I’ve never understood The Fear of Missing Out. I have the exact opposite. I’m always delighted when I am not invited places, when I don’t have to hang around at parties for hours or make small talk to strangers at dinner parties. I never mind … Continue reading FOMO
The thing about holidays is that you get into long lazy mornings, longer lazy afternoons, every day feels like Sunday, the bed gets warmer, the couch gets cozier, the sex gets better, everything becomes quiet, languid, slow, no structure, no order, just a delicious sense … Continue reading It’s over
This morning I woke up in an inexplicably good mood
Found lots of granadillas in full bloom on my tree
Walked around the hood listening to Carole King
Said hi to a gorgeous bullmastiff puppy
Said hi to his owner too
The barista gave me a free coffee
A woman complimented me on my dress
I wrote this love poem
you just know
it’s going to be a fabulous day
I’ve just been to the Kruger National Park for a couple of days and gosh, it was astonishing. The game lodge, Africa on Foot, is gorgeous and rustic, we had elephant wandering through camp, saw lion bring down a buffalo, met fabulous people, swam, ate delicious food, watched the birds and bees, ambled with giraffe and drank single malt under magnificent African sunsets.
Now I’m back home and my job is to write a travel story, praising Africa on Foot, who definitely deserve praising.
But it’s really hot.
It was hot in Kruger, over forty degrees, and it’s really hot back home in Jozi too.
Which means it’s impossible to focus. Or to wear clothes. I can feel the sun on my skin and there’s sweat dripping down my cleavage. I cannot imagine stringing a sentence together let alone think of using punctuation.
So instead of writing a fabulous and original travel blog, I googled ‘best game lodge.’ I thought of course Africa on Foot would pop up and I could cheat a little with the story.
But the heat got to me and I somehow googled ‘best sex toys’ instead.
There are some fabulous sex toys out there.
I found a platinum vibrator covered with diamonds that sells for over eight thousand dollars, a dream love chair for ten thousand, and a very expensive royal dildo that makes you cry out in ecstasy every time a sapphire hits your g-spot.
It costs a million dollars and apparently Victoria Beckham has one.
There’s also a silver butt plug which I will not try or buy but it is kinda fascinating. It has a horse hair tail and who knew butt plugs had tails at all but okay, anyway, horse hair, horses, this brings me back to animals.
We saw, up close and personal, lion and leopard, rhino, buffalo, hippo, all the plains game and beautiful birds.
We oohed and aahed our way through every sighting.
Much the same one would do with a royal vibrator.
It’s still very hot.
So hot I’m struggling with grammar, spelling and punctuation.
So hot I may never write a Violet post again.
So hot I need lots of ice in my whisky.
I need a cold shower.
I need to cool down.
Or maybe I need a royal gold sapphire and pearl encrusted million dollar hits that g-spot every time vibrator.
Yesterday I had eyelash extensions. I’d seen someone else with them, thought she looked amazing, got the details and made an appointment.
When the beautician was finished I looked in the mirror and went OH MY GOD. Then I went FUCK. Then OH MY GOD. Then FUCK.
‘You okay?’ she asked
‘Absolutely,’ I replied.
I paid her a small fortune and then my very long very thick very black sexy eyelashes and I headed to a coffee shop.
I wasn’t sure anyone would notice.
‘OH MY GOD,’ said the barista.
‘FUCK,’ said the waitress.
‘Do you think they’re a bit much?’I asked.
Nope. No. Not at all. Everyone was in agreement. They’re amazing. Magnificent. Perfect.
I sipped my coffee and dished the beautician’s number out to all the women who asked.
And I dished mine out to all the men who asked.
Well, just one, but still.
These eyelashes are amazing. They are long, flirty, fun, glamorous and the thing is, they ooze sex appeal.
I love it.
They’ve made me walk with a swing in my step, a twinkle in my eye, I feel confident and beautiful and you know…
I’m calling my difficult friend.
These are fuck me eyelashes.
And I intend to make full use of them.
Claudia is in Johannesburg. She does home visits. 082 456 3809. It’s very fucking expensive but worth every penny!