Category: friendship

The beauty of objects

She stood there, immobile, unsure how or what to start packing. Years of paints, paintbrushes, paper, clay, sculptures, twine, beads, bits, feathers and things that have no value but have all the value in the world.

‘It’s just a paperclip,’ I said. ‘You do not need this.’

A tear rolled down her cheek.

‘I don’t,’ she said. ‘Or, maybe I do. That clip held together the first painting I exhibited. I do need to hold on to it. Or, if not me, somebody else might want to use it.’

‘It’s a fucking paper clip,’ I said. ‘It goes…’

I swept it into the bag for rubbish.

This was me, helping a dear friend pack up her life. She’s moving from South Africa to England.

They have paper clips in England.

But packing is hard. The blue dress, even though it hasn’t been worn for years, is gorgeous. The teacup that’s been in bubble wrap forever; it came from a great grandmother.

Objects of beauty. Of meaning. Of memory.

What stays and what goes? What gets thrown away and what gets given away?

We went through a bag of baby clothing. Our babies grew up together. I recognised the dinosaur hat. The sippy cup. The blankie.

‘God,’ I said, ‘I cannot believe you kept these. I gave all my baby stuff away years ago. Years ago.’

I held the blanket.

And then suddenly a tear rolled down my cheek too.

Of course she had to keep the dinosaur hat.

I had to keep my dinosaur hats too.

We hold on to things because they are a part of us. They are our memories, our emotions, our ties to things and people and times.  They are love.

How does one part with anything?

I dug the paper clip out the rubbish.

‘It stays,’ I said.

She breathed in, a sigh of relief.  We both wiped our tears.  And I blew my nose into a handkerchief.

It’s the handkerchief of an old lover.  We’re not in touch anymore.

But it smells of him. It is a part of him.

It is him.

Of course I’m not letting it go.

hanky

Slam

‘I don’t take kindly to having the phone put down on me, Violet.’

‘I’m sorry I did that. It was churlish. But honestly, I don’t take kindly to having my messages ignored.’

‘I did not ignore your message Violet; I just knew you didn’t mean it.’

I didn’t mean it? Come on. I’d invited my difficult friend out for dinner. Somewhere lovely, with linen tablecloths and a fabulous wine list. It was my attempt at something a bit more real than what we currently have.

It was my attempt at something a little more than what we currently have.

By ignoring my message, it was pretty clear he didn’t want anything more.

So when he called me suggesting that I was avoiding him and I was the one with commitment issues and I was the one who, goddam always I, always my fault, always me, I put the phone down.

He was projecting his bullshit on to me, as I have learned, the men that I choose are prone to do.

So yeah, I put the phone down.

Silly to do that, hey.

So silly.

But very bloody satisfying.

slams

Arrest me

I quite like taking things that don’t belong to me. It’s not that I am greedy or a thief, although really I am both, but I like the meaning behind the stolen stuff.

It’s all a metaphor.

I used to see this guy and take a can of beans from his kitchen cupboard every time we had sex.

He knew I stole them. The theft represented a no fucks attitude from me. I could be with him, have great sex, pick up my jeans, my beans, and leave without emotion.

They were good beans by the way, Italian Cannellini, or I wouldn’t have bothered.

Today I stole a handkerchief from someone else. Actually, I was crying and he said Oh for Fucks sake please stop, please please Jesus Christ no more tears, no tears, oh come on now, all right, you’re not going to stop are you, here, take it take it, use my bloody handkerchief.

I sniffed, stopped crying, took the hanky, wiped my tears and grinned.

It was a plot.

I wanted the handkerchief.

I wanted his smell on the hanky. I wanted to keep it close, to remember it, to in actual fact never let it go.

The hanky is my giving a fuck metaphor.

It represents my feelings.  Memory.

Maybe even love.

I haven’t washed it yet. And I know that when I’ve washed it a hundred times, it will still smell of him.

But I’m not washing it.  I am in fact, still using it.

I am also feeling a bit metaphored out with beans and hankies and I  just spent the last hour sitting at a bar, drinking whisky.

I left without paying.

I have no excuse for that one.

I’m just greedy.

And a thief.

Handcuff me.

handcuffs

Will you still respect me in the am?

I spent last night with two men. I have been writing about the possibility of two men, dreaming and fantasising about it, for ages.

Finally, we got it together. Me and two of the most handsome, gorgeous, bright, funny and talented men I know.  One lives in my city, one far away.

I’ve known them for a long time.  But not as long as they’ve known each other.  They’ve been friends since 1964.

That’s a helluva history.

They were school friends, family friends, getting into trouble friends, discovering girl friends, learning to kiss friends, getting to first base, then to second, parties, clubs, dancing, wild, crazy friends. They shared times that were insane and extraordinary, connected by music;  playing, singing, listening, dancing.

I’m an old friend too. They never got to first base with me (maybe they did, but a girl is discreet) but I’m their girl, their go to, their safety, their friend.

Last night we were all in the same city at the same time and they came over. We put on Tom Waits and we cooked. We smashed garlic, squeezed lemon, poured oil, marinated pork, boiled potatoes, plucked spinach, sliced plums, roasted plums, added cinnamom, star anise, butter, big blobs of butter, sugar, cream, music, whisky, wine and cognac.

The moon shone brightly. The night smelt good and the night felt sexy.

There was love.

We played music. The soundtrack of our youth.

Nancy Sinatra, These Boots were made for Walking.

Antonio Carlos Jobim, Girl from Ipanema.

Bee Gees, How deep is your Love.

Neil Young, Heart of Gold.

Joan Baez, Dona Donnna.

We took turns to be DJ. We got excited, we yelled, California Deaming, Stairway to Heaven, Bohemian Rhapsody, Night Fever. Jesus Christ Superstar.  

And Hair!

For hours, we listened we sang, we danced and we drank. We danced together and we danced alone. Sometimes I slow danced with D, sometimes with S. We did the shuffle. I go-go danced, they did the funk.

We got tired, we lay down, we closed our eyes, we carried on with the music.

We loved.

It was not that kind of love threesome.

It was the real kind of love threesome.

It was a friendship, freedom and memory threesome.

It was one of the best nights of my life.

And I did not take off my clothes.

I lie.

I did. But it was to dance outside, as it started raining.

When the moon is in the Seventh House
And Jupiter aligns with Mars
Then peace will guide the planets
And love will steer the stars
This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius
The age of Aquarius
Aquarius!
Aquarius!
Harmony and understanding
Sympathy and trust abounding
No more falsehoods or derisions
Golden living dreams of visions
Mystic crystal revalation
And the mind’s true liberation
Aquarius!
Aquarius!
When the moon is in the Seventh House
And Jupiter aligns with Mars
Then peace will guide the planets
And love will steer the stars
This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius
The age of Aquarius
Aquarius!
Aquarius!

The old people in your life

They know you.

They love you.

You love them.

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