I’m lying on my bed with my Mac but my instructions are to never leave it lying on the covers or it may smother and overheat.
The man at the store was very stern.
‘If you’re going to use it in bed, put a thick book underneath. You need a hard surface so it doesn’t explode again. Don’t smile. It’s very serious.’
What even is the point of having a laptop if you can’t use it in bed, but anyway, I just shut up and came home.
And got into bed.
I’ve chosen my biggest book to use as a hard surface. It’s the Kama Sutra. I bought it in India a few years ago, it weighs six kilograms and is absolutely magnificent, a masterpiece and a collector’s item of note.
And I can’t help paging through it.
My favourite sections:-
One’s Wife, One’s Wives.
Wives of Other Men.
All about Courtesans
Magic and Sex toys
Sexual and Social Conduct.
Exotica and Erotica.
And okay, who’m I kidding, I love every single section especially the one on Charm Me, Eat Me, Drink Me, Fuck Me.
The pictures are exquisite, full colour and very detailed. There’s a section devoted to foreplay, about slow chewing, long kissing, a scratch, a slap, a nibble, a lick, a bite…
And the pics on self pleasure. I have to try this, now, sweet Indian goddesses I’ve never thought of doing it like this before. I’m just going to take off my underwear, move my Mac aside, on my knees, my thighs, my fingers, let me check the picture, this way, that way, oh god oh god yes very good, very very good, an explosion, a fire, another one, a brilliant brilliant fire.
This time it’s me on fire and I can’t help it. Look at Page 46, you have to try this too, it is so damn good and I am sorry my Mac has been smothered, I didn’t mean it, I really didn’t mean it.
The Erotic Art of India.
The Kama Sutra.
The perfect book to put underneath your computer. If you don’t want it to explode.