Month: December 2016

On being a storyteller

I interrupted our coffee date, stood and hugged the kid walking past.

‘Have a great holiday,’ I said. ‘See you when you’re back…’

‘Who is that?’

‘Oh, just a kid, I helped him lose his virginity a while back, no biggie.

My friend’s eyes got bigger and bigger. The kid was about eighteen.

‘Wow, lucky kid,’ he said.

‘Yeah, really,’ I agreed.

Then giggled.

Because the more I write the  more I take pleasure in telling fantastical stories that are just a bunch of  lies but make for interesting tales.

Like now.

I’m leaving town, got dumped by Ryan Gosling, trying to deal with my heartbreak.

Packing my snow boots, ready to climb Everest.

Solo boat trip around the world, dammit where’s my compass.

Heading to a Buddhist retreat in Uzbekistan.

Joining a nunnery.

Or maybe packing my bag, wearing a gorgeous frock, no underwear and eloping with the difficult guy.

Whatever.

See ya in 2017.

elope

The best sex

the best kind of sex
is when you wake up
the morning after
and your neck aches
your legs are stiff
thighs sore
arms
a little bruised
you have a headache
and your body tingles
stings
quivers
and shakes

and then you wonder
was the sex really fab
or have you maybe just got the flu?

getty-153341894-mattress-fstop-images-dejan

Fuck the patriarchy

So I’m the kind of feminist who always stands up for women but also thinks men sometimes get a raw deal and maybe we should be gentler on them, maybe they’re just insecure and yeah, we shouldn’t really blame them for all our problems.

But fuck that.

They are to blame for everything and I know this because I have witnessed it first hand.

It was a balmy evening, 01 December 2016. Kruger National Park. We were sitting having a glass of wine in the hot African bush when suddenly, screaming.

Get in, get in, yelled the game ranger, hurtling us into the jeep. We scrambled in. And there, just around the corner, was a lioness bringing down a buffalo.

The lioness was fierce, the buffalo enormous.  She tackled him head on, pulling him down with her mighty paws. He fought, he kicked, he got up again, she leapt on his back, sunk her mouth around his neck, dragged him down, he lashed out, she climbed in, dust everywhere, the screams, the growls, the fight, the cries, the gasps, the roars, it was pretty bloody  violent.

She held on to him. Kept her mouth around his neck and stayed put. Our ranger explained that lions kill buffalo by suffocating them. He was on the ground, kicking and screaming, she was steadfast in her smothering.

‘This is going to take a long time’, the ranger explained. ‘This lioness does not have any canines.’

‘What, why?’ we all asked.

He explained. ‘Her teeth were knocked out when she got into a fight with a male lion. Boom bang, he knocked them out with one huge swoop.’

As he said that, the male lion, who had been nowhere in sight, suddenly wandered into the scene. Slowly, surely, padding his way out of the bush with a huge magnificent mane and a glint in his eyes.

The buffalo still fought and kicked.  The lioness still smothered.

And the male lion  watched. He did a bit of smelling, gave the buffalo a few pre-dinner licks, a couple of self satisfied roars, and then, settled back on to the most comfortable of rocks to watch dinner being prepared.

The buffalo took a long time to die. The lioness took a long time to kill him. And once he was dead, the male sauntered over. Pushed the lioness out the way.

And got stuck in.

Delicious, fabulous, fresh buffalo meat, killed by the very woman whose teeth he had knocked out.

It’s like real life.   I am so with the lioness, who I imagine was not that happy with just the leftovers.

Fuck the patriarchy. It’s time to support 16 Days of Activism. And more.

lions
From 25 November, the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women, to 10 December, Human Rights Day, the 16 Days of Activism against Gender-Based Violence Campaign is a time to galvanize action to end violence against women and girls around the world.

http://www.africaonfoot.com – for excellent game sightings!

Date night

Bring champagne, she said.

If you wear suspenders, he said.

I don’t think so, she said.

Then I’ll bring beer, he said.

Then you’ll find me in shorts and slops, she said.

You’re so fucking difficult, he said.

Hahahahahaha, she said.

Date night!

suspenders

Your sharpest knife, please.

‘All the men stop to say hello to you Violet, it’s such bullshit, they don’t even see us…’

I was sitting with my best friends forever in our local coffee shop.

‘Well maybe I’ve just slept with all of them,’ I replied, saying hi to Joe as he walked past.

I laughed.

My girlfriends laughed too.

Uncertainly.

They weren’t sure if they should believe me or not. It’s just not appropriate for women to go through all the men in the coffee shop.

I reassured them.

‘I haven’t fucked them.  Any of them. Maybe I’m just friendly, I talk to everyone, hi Dave, hi Len, hi oh I don’t know your name but hey…’

Maybe I should though and notch them up on my favourite barstool. It could be fun and a good way to while away long hot summer days.

I called the waiter over and asked for his sharpest knife.

Sure, he said, wandering off to get one.

I could’ve asked for a meat cleaver and he still would’ve said sure and gone to get one.

Such good service at our local.

We got more coffee, a couple of croissants and a knife and we sipped and laughed and sipped and carved and sipped and suddenly the difficult one walked past.

Shoulders back, looking straight ahead of him, stopping for no man.

Or woman.

My heart.

He’s the only one who I really want to stop and say hello. He’s the only one where the carving would mean something.

He’s the one that I really want to notch.

notching

Monday

This morning I woke up in an inexplicably good mood
Found lots of granadillas in full bloom on my tree
Walked around the hood listening to Carole King
Said hi to a gorgeous bullmastiff puppy
Said hi to his owner too
The barista gave me a free coffee
A woman complimented me on my dress
I wrote this love poem
And sometimes
you just know
it’s going to be a fabulous day

Good morning!

puppy

This may be the end

I’ve just been to the Kruger National Park for a couple of days and gosh, it was astonishing. The game lodge, Africa on Foot, is gorgeous and rustic, we had elephant wandering through camp, saw lion bring down a buffalo, met fabulous people, swam, ate delicious food, watched the birds and bees, ambled with giraffe and drank single malt under magnificent African sunsets.

Now I’m back home and my job is to write a travel story, praising Africa on Foot, who definitely deserve praising.

But it’s really hot.

It was hot in Kruger, over forty degrees, and it’s really hot back home in Jozi too.

Which means it’s impossible to focus. Or to wear clothes. I can feel the sun on my skin and there’s sweat dripping down my cleavage. I cannot imagine stringing a sentence together let alone think of using punctuation.

So instead of writing a fabulous and original travel blog,  I googled ‘best game lodge.’ I thought of course Africa on Foot would pop up and I could cheat a little with the story.

But the heat got to me and I somehow googled ‘best sex toys’ instead.

Reader!

There are some fabulous sex toys out there.

I found a platinum vibrator covered with diamonds that sells for over eight thousand dollars, a dream love chair for ten thousand, and a very expensive royal dildo that makes you cry out in ecstasy every time a sapphire hits your g-spot.

It costs a million dollars and apparently Victoria Beckham has one.

There’s also a silver butt plug which I will not try or buy but it is kinda fascinating. It has a horse hair tail and who knew butt plugs had tails at all but okay, anyway, horse hair, horses, this brings me back to animals.

We saw, up close and personal, lion and leopard, rhino, buffalo, hippo, all the plains game and beautiful birds.

We oohed and aahed our way through every sighting.

Much the same one would do with a royal vibrator.

I imagine.

Anyway.

It’s still very hot.

So hot I’m struggling with grammar, spelling and punctuation.

So hot I may never write a Violet post again.

So hot I need lots of ice in my whisky.

I need a cold shower.

I need to cool down.

Or maybe I need a royal gold sapphire and pearl encrusted million dollar hits that g-spot every time vibrator.

Happy holidays!

royal

http://www.africaonfoot.com