On love. And grief.

This morning I woke up feeling uneasy and a little bit tearful. I had a very strong sense of my mom, who died just over two years ago.

It felt kinda weird.

When my mother died, she was ready. She’d been ill for a long time and her death had come as a relief. We also hadn’t had the best relationship.

I’m not sure I ever mourned properly.

Yet over the last few months I’ve had feelings. I see a lipstick colour and think how much my mother would’ve loved that particular pink.

Or I eat something and can almost hear her saying ‘Oh god how absolutely delicious is this.’

The same lipstick colour I love.  The same words I would use.

I am more like my mother than I ever want to let on.

I suddenly miss her. Not all the time but at the most unexpected moments.

I didn’t miss her for the first two years. Maybe I was getting used to her death. Maybe I was in denial.

Maybe I was still holding on to anger that I should’ve let go of a long time ago. Anger that if I look at it today, I directed at her, probably unfairly.

I have learned that grief comes slowly. It can happen out of the blue.

And when it comes, it throws you.

I splashed water over my face, made myself some coffee and opened my computer.

Facebook.

And there was a picture of my mom, my beautiful mother, under ‘Memories’.

Unexpected.

Weird.

And also, perfect.

I took a deep breath in.

Hi Mom, I said. 

Her eyes twinkled in the photograph.

But then, they always twinkled.

I love you, I said. I miss you.

And then I cried a little bit more, closed my computer and went to the shops.

To get something delicious to eat.  And to buy the lipstick.

As she would’ve wanted me to do.

love

31 thoughts on “On love. And grief.

  1. I’m sorry to hear about your mother. I lost my mother twenty years ago this past April. Was just thinking about her this evening actually, and then I read your post x

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  2. XOXO…grief comes whenever our heart pushes our mind aside to have its day. there’s no timetable, and it’s different for everyone. I have to imagine her smiling today, with her marching pink lipstick 😍

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  3. Aww, V, I lost my mom two years ago, too, and same difficult relationship. My sister and I even tried to find birthday or mothers day cards that were not too love filled cause we didn’t feel that way about her. But do I miss her? Yep, it hits me out of the blue sometimes and it is difficult. Sending hugs xo

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  4. Aww this is so ahh..lovely. wonderfully exprssed, I am definitely a slow griever. I think it took me 5 years to cry over a family member I lost. I’m still not sure what to think of myself for taking such a long to me to cry. I guess everyone has their own way of healing. Stay blessed ❤

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