Eight, seven…

Are you feeling expansive, Miss V?

There was no name from the texter, he just presumed I would know who it was.

And by the very use of his vocabulary,  I did.

My heart started beating a little faster and I really did not want it to. I placed my hand over it, closed my eyes and willed it to slow down.

Six, five, four three…

I did not want to react to him.

Two, one…

I did not want to feel.

Anything.

Even so, once I was breathing at not two thousand beats a minutes, I texted back.

I have never felt expansive. I am not in a good mood. And my name is not V. 

He immediately got all charming and witty and invited me for dinner.

I immediately refused, not asking him about the other woman he had possibly wanted to settle down with. The one who clearly hadn’t worked out because it is a pattern with him. Alone, beautiful woman, alone, let me try another one, alone, let me go back to that one, no, maybe I want to be alone, oh look, another beautiful woman.

And I know, I knew, all that. It was why when we were done, we were done.

Yet my heart was still beating dangerously quickly.

I tucked my phone somewhere deep where I’d never find it again and went for a walk. Put some distance between me and him.

My reaction had astonished me. I’d  thought I was totally completely over him.

And I wanted to feel nothing.

Or I wanted to be able to laugh and say god you’re an arrogant  jerk and bye bye see you in another lifetime.

Block him off my phone forever.

But I knew I couldn’t do that.

Because even after all this time, I felt something.

I still feel something.

And I cannot help myself.

It’s hard to explain.

Feelings.  Passion. Old hurt.

Intense dislike.

They all mix together.  They’re always there.

Abstract heart from hooks on a white background

 

21 thoughts on “Eight, seven…

  1. There were a couple of singular men who made my blood absolutely throb until they absolutely shredded me. Now even if I try to think of them with them with fondness, they are just faceless strangers. I don’t know what is worse – the back and forth, or the complete loss.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Lovely Violet—I have one of those as well…the kind that you want to get over and the sooner the better! However, you are not done until the lesson is complete. I wrote about this former lover in my poem “Morbid Reflections” and I have come to the conclusion that when people are wired as passionately as we are, this is the price to be paid when the pendulum swings in the other direction. Fortunately, that same pendulum does come to eventually rest once again in the middle…until a new romance comes along! XO DWD

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It is one of my blog-posts, sweet Violet…you have already read it and you “liked” it, too! It is called “Morbid Reflections” and our paths still cross in the business world. I wanted to be done in the most desperate way and it wasn’t until I accepted the fact that I might always feel this way about him that things began to start being “done.” What we resist, persists! XO DWD

        Liked by 1 person

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