Harden up

Harden up, he said.

Fuck you, she said.

Because she never wanted to hear those words again. She had no intention of hardening up.

She being me, of course.

I never want to feel indifferent. About anything. Except cats. Everyone feels indifferent about cats.

We should feel indifferent to cats.

But about love and loss, goddammit, I’m going to feel as much as I can. And if that means weeping in movies, sobbing in the bath over a book, sobbing in the bath over a man, crying when I remember my first dog, or watching music videos over and over again, I’ll do it.

And yeah, you got it. I’m at home, on the couch, tears flowing down my cheeks. Prince.

I know why I loved him. Apart from being a musical genius and astonishing,  he gave me words. Same as Bowie. They gave me, us, words for how we felt. When we couldn’t express them, they sang them for us.

They helped us to feel.

And getting feelings out there helps. It oddly brings a lightness.

So I’m going to be expressive. As expressive as I fucking want to be.  And that’s about everything.

Caring shows life. And it shows love.

I care for this guy, even though he tells me to harden up.

So right now I am sending him the knife emoji. I’ve sent it five hundred times and I’m going to keep sending it until he responds to my mail.

I care dammit.

And I am not going to be scared to show it.

hocho

18 thoughts on “Harden up

  1. I am conscious about it, I tell myself to be authentic, to be real, to show my feelings. I know it’s not healthy to pretend to be stronger than I really am. Surely, it is not good to be anything we’re not but this whole thing about being weak if “emotional” is a darned thing. But yeah, we can keep trying and doing our best to be expressive, right? All the best 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

      1. It does make sense definitely. It must be stubbornness that stops me from truly being real myself. I’m already a “byotch” to others and having to do the confrontation is tiring. Stubbornness and laziness… I will remind myself of the positive – the release 🙂 Thank you.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. It’s our vulnerability that every human shares unknowingly. Only by expressing such depth to our being, can we possibly connect and unite in love and harmony. Hiding behind a stiff upper lip, with a heart bursting to be felt…who are we lying to there?

    Liked by 2 people

  3. It caught me by surprise how bad I felt about Prince’s death. I wouldn’t say I loved every song he did, but a lot of them, yeah. What a huge talent he was. You can’t help how you feel. No one should tell you to stop feeling…

    Like

  4. I don’t feel indifferent about cats. I have 3 and I love them to bits. But cats always feel indifferent about people, except when you’re feeding them. That’s the truth.

    Anyway, showing your emotions isn’t weak, it’s strong. It takes bravery to let someone else realise that you’re vulnerable in a world where anyone might take advantage. I cried all the way through Warhorse. So many tears I needed to drink a gallon of water after.

    Liked by 1 person

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