This morning I dressed up, put on lipstick, sprayed perfume, then sat back in my chair, feet on the desk, waiting for the phone to ring.
I let it ring twice, not wanting to appear too eager, then said…
Hiya, Violet speaking.
In reply I heard a muffled…
And now we’d like to welcome Violet Online to the show, famous sex blogger and expert on Internet Dating. Hi Violet, so nice to have you with us this morning.
I got the giggles. Mostly because at the moment I am the sex blogger who is famous for not having sex and I haven’t been on an online dating site for ages.
But I took a deep breath, turned into Violet and said:-
Hi Viv, nice to be here, thanks for having me.
I giggled some more.
There was a kind of awkward silence, then the first question.
In your opinion Violet, what is that makes men and women so different?
I wasn’t sure I’d heard the question properly and instead of asking the presenter to repeat it, I just launched headfirst into an answer.
Well you know, women like to talk, communicate, reach out, get intense, plan babies, discuss the future, cuddle, make love, spoon, drink tea and then organise a wedding.
I think I heard snoring.
And men, I said, just want to fuck.
The presenter woke up.
This was radio. I’d used the word fuck.
It’s okay to talk about anything else on South African radio. Murder, killing, rape. That’s all good.
Fucking, not so much.
But suddenly we had attention. Viv asked a few more questions, none of which I could hear. But I gave my opinion on online dating and on Tinder (don’t do either), and I suggested meeting men at coffee shops, grocery stores and behind the scenes at radio stations.
It was an apparently successful interview.
So much so that for the next one I’ve been invited in to the studio.
No more telephonic interviews for me babe!
I’m going to choose a different dress for the next interview.
I’ll wear a new perfume and maybe a new lipstick.
And I’m definitely going to have sex beforehand.
I need to. I need to have something else to talk about.
The show is every Friday, Going Somewhere with Viv, 0830-0900, edenvaleradio.org