I’m a Guardian newspaper reader and I know that sounds totally obnoxious. Except that I mostly read the lifestyle section and I spend almost as much time reading the comments as I do the articles. The readers are usually bright and the comments always amusing.
Personally, I’m quite shy so I don’t often comment publicly. Today though, I could not hold back.
In fact, I have been outrageously vocal.
WHAT? NO SEX?
WHAT? YOU HAVE THIS WRONG.
YOU FORGOT MASTURBATION.
OH COME ON, YOU WANKER, YOU LEFT OUT WANKING.
JESUS, DO YOU HAVE FINGERS?
VIBRATORS? SEX TOYS?
Both articles were about that magical thing, SLEEP.
- 12 Rules to a good nights sleep
- Putting Sleep Myths to Bed. (great title)
Both were fairly predictable though, which is unlike The Guardian.
No alcohol before bed.
Stay away from cheese.
Computer in a different room.
Cell phone out of reach.
Count sheep, empty your head, blah blah, boring.
Anyone with a real sleep problem knows that these things do not work.
Neither article, written by profs and docs and academics, mentioned the two magical cures for insomnia.
SEX and / or MASTURBATION.
Sex can make you super sleepy. I have been known to fall asleep even before we’re kinda done. It can be disturbed sleep though, with my lover waking up to leave, taking my side of the bed, making cutesy little noises, snoring or hogging the duvet.
But masturbation. Going to sleep masturbation?
It’s foolproof. The best thing in the world.
And it’s guaranteed to work.
No pills, no herbal remedies, no stupid cups of tea, you can still drink whisky before bed, you can have your computer on top of you if you want, talk on the phone at the same time and who cares how many sheep you count.
An orgasm works. Whether it takes two minutes or ten minutes, whether you have one or many, it makes you very very deliciously dreamy sleepy.
I’ve suggested the professors and researchers try it. And if they’re looking for a guinea pig, I’ll be happy to help.
Anyway, I’m in bed, a bit sleepy, eating cheese, sipping my drink, taking off my panties, opening my drawer, oh a vibrator, mmm yeah oh oh bzzzz zzzz.
Sweet dreams readers, g’nite, zzzz zzzz, see ya in the morn…