Bliss

Dear Violet.  Please join us for a Night of Bliss with Pastor Chris.   Don’t miss this opportunity to change your life.  It’s free and fabulous, but bring your wallet anyway. Donations are always welcome.

I didn’t have any other plans for Saturday night, but still – I knew this was one date I would turn down.

I replied saying Thanks but No Thanks and with all good blessings you cunts may want to remove me from your mailing list.

I have read all about Pastor Chris and yeah, he’s not my kind of guy when it comes to bliss.

My bliss promises good wine, fresh vegetables and fabulous sex.

His bliss promises to cure HIV, heal the sick, remove piles and oh, if you’re struggling to fall pregnant, he’ll help you with that too.

You can get your virginity back if you want it (apparently you should), rise from your wheelchair, find a young wife, or a new wife, and cure all your smells.

Cure your smells?

Who is this Pastor Chris with his sexist, misogynistic, bullshit behaviour and false promises. And why do people come from far and wide, clutching their crutches, to be healed?

Why does he have so much money while his congregation have none?

And most importantly, why does he have one hundred and ninety five thousand million followers while I only have a few hundred?

I try so hard to offer bliss to my readers too. Maybe not via God and false promises, but you know, underwear, champagne, nudity and skinny dipping are also pretty important.

Yet only his followers drop to the floor and yell Hallelujah, sweet Jesus and thank you thank you bless you God.

I’m getting pissed off readers.

I expect more praise.

More hallelujahs.

More fainting spells.

Just keep it real, for Gods sake.

And send money.

Amen.

god

27 thoughts on “Bliss

  1. Oh hallelujah, hallelujah yeah!!! That’s for you, Violet! And I’m about to faint.. but that could be from hunger. Darned food gives me muffin top. Damn it! (Pastor Chris can go to hell! Literally actually, if hell exists. Oooh, my Catholic family will be embarrassed of this Catholic girl.)

    Like

  2. Amen, and high five, and all that!

    Also, I think he’s going to need some higher help to get his head out of his ass. Pretty sure a jug of olive oil will do the trick, or maybe some good old fashioned Crisco.

    Like

  3. My dad used to tell the story of a guy who got in trouble for making big money. Yea, his money was just about a quarter inch too big. Nice post. I agree. Underwear, nice. Nudity, good. Champagne, don’t know… skinny dipping, yes, very nice. I’m just glad I didn’t get caught.

    Liked by 1 person

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