Tomorrow it’s Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year, and I’ve promised my family that I will make the chopped liver.
I have no idea why I offered. I’ve never made chopped liver or anything vaguely like it, and I just know it’s going to be a disaster. I am not great in the kitchen.
Especially with liver.
For some reason, the Jewish holidays make me anxious. By the time I manage to get my act together and think of everything that needs to be done, it’s too late. Grocery stores have run out of food and there are no ingredients left anywhere.
Yesterday I made a million phone calls to try and find some damn liver and finally I found a butcher who would deliver.
And when the doorbell rang I opened up feeling a mixture of relief and despair. Relief because I had it. Despair as I would have to start cooking.
The delivery man was not in fact the butcher. Instead, he turned out to be a guy from DHL, holding a very beautifully wrapped parcel.
I know these parcels.
They are from The Bedroom, a magnificent boudoir boutique that I frequent and that I very occasionally do sex-toy reviews for.
I knew what was going to be in the parcel. The new fabulous OH MY GOD Je Joue Kii vibrator; the one that everyone is raving about.
I’ve been dying to try it.
But now, as luck would have it, the butcher has also arrived and I have a kilo of liver to deal with.
I’m trying to make my way to the kitchen and I’m trying to take out the Magimix and I’m trying to find the other ingredients.
But I’m also unpacking this toy and it looks glorious and I’m taking off my clothes and I’m in a lot of trouble.
I don’t know how I’m going to tell my family, but I am fairly sure I’m going to arrive satisfied but empty handed tomorrow night.
It’s going to be as hard tell them I didn’t make the chopped liver as it is going to be to tell them I sometimes review sex toys.
Oh well. I can’t resist. I’m switching it on.