How to give a decent blow job – and other unusual tales.

Hey Luce, how ya doing’.  I was so excited to hear my best friend on the phone.

‘Oh my god, my neck, I’ve hurt it again, I landed up in the hospital.’

When she didn’t want to tell me how, I knew immediately.

BLOW JOB!

It’s easy when you’re in your twenties to contort your head in a million different directions. In your forties it is just silly and in your fifties it’s just bloody dangerous.

I asked her if she’d given her man pleasure before rushing off to Emergency.

‘Of course’, she said. The look on her husband’s face had been one of ecstasy – there was no way she could stop half way.

I suggested that maybe next time she didn’t look at his face while doing the deed. That may have been the problem.

I gave her a set of rules.

– Put a cushion under your knees.
– Keep your back straight.
– Shoulders down.
– Neck upright.
–  And eyes looking straight ahead.

Do not, under any circumstances, make any sharp movements to the left or the right with your neck.

We both laughed. It’s very hard, in the heat of the moment, to reach out for a cushion, or to worry about your posture.

And it’s almost impossible not to move your neck.

Unless you do yoga where you learn to never move your neck no matter what.

In fact you learn tons of things at Yoga, which are all good for your sex life.  The one thing I learned, that I have never forgotten – open your mouth and stick your tongue out during orgasm. Even if you look ridiculous, it extends your orgasm. Try it but just make sure the guy is taking you from behind and cannot see your face!

Also squeeze your butt muscles. Apart from him loving the feeling, it strengthens your orgasm and makes your butt look pretty damn good.

Sadly, you have to do these things before your partner hurts his neck, puts out his back, bites his tongue, or has a heart attack.

I told Luce about my last sexual exploit.

Claude. Sixty. A very energetic lover.

The last time we’d been together, the sex was fantastic. He knew exactly how to turn me on. I was moaning softly, about to come, when suddenly…

He stopped.

And clutched his chest. Dramatically.

It’s every woman’s nightmare.

I stopped my moaning very quickly when he started his.

My thoughts were not ‘Oh my God he’s having a heart attack, I need to call an ambulance, help, I don’t want him to die’.

My thoughts were ‘Oh my God he’s going to die on top of me, I’m never going to get out, who will find me, how will I explain this, Oh my God, please, please, he cannot die…

He didn’t have a heart attack. But he’d had too much red wine which set off his angina.

It was really scary.

My friend Luce gave me her own set of rules for dating older men.

– Time is of the Essence. Get down to business ASAP.
– Don’t over exert him.
– Always be on top.
– Have his Next of Kin contact details handy at all times.
– Remain semi clothed for a quick getaway, just in case of collapse.
– And whatever you do…

DO NOT MOVE YOUR NECK.

sex tips

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