I’d been on my own for months and was lonely. I needed new conversation and new experiences. I was also horny and Internet Dating seemed to be the way to go. I created a profile, called myself ‘Violet’, and within days my inbox was full. So many lonely people out there. I chatted to a guy who seemed ideal. A Pilot. A good friend, had warned me, in very strong language, to never go near pilots. ‘DO NOT GO NEAR PILOTS’, he said. ‘They’re all cunts and it will not end well’.
I should’ve listened.
Profile Name: Airbus Driver
Why should you get to know Airbus Driver?
I live on the edge and would love a partner to be edgy with me. Adventure. Challenges. It’s all the name of the game.
He describes his ideal match thus: Someone daring and risky, with good legs and a great heart.
General Information: Divorced. Whisky drinker. Bike rider. Airplane flyer. Love the Rolling Stones.
Looking for: Excitement.
The Pilot sent me a mail saying he liked my dating profile, thought I sounded interesting, and suggested a drink. I said okay, we met, drinks turned to dinner, and hey, the night was fun. Easy conversation, stimulating, exciting. He had loads of flying stories for me, I had loads of deranged housewife stories for him. He was good looking in that rugged pilot kind of way and found me attractive, I liked his smell. He held my hand and kissed me goodnight. And when I drove home, my panties were wet. I knew this was the man I was finally, thank you God, going to have sex with.
And so I went to stock up. On contraception.
How does one buy condoms?
Discreetly. Even when the salesman at Clicks showed me where they were, I couldn’t see them. And when I did, I giggled out loud. So many different brands. All shapes. Sizes. Colours. Textures. Ribbed. Flavoured. Edible. Very different to 30 years ago. When I asked the salesman to help me make a choice, he giggled.
‘That would be up to you, Maám’ he said with a smile.
‘But what’s better? Ribbed or plain? Chocolate or Vanilla?’ Small, medium or large?
I was persistent. He blushed, and left me to make the choice on my own. I eventually left with a very heavy packet and R 2000 worth of condoms. Nobody could call me irresponsible.
As arranged, I drove to the Astor Hotel, for our liaison. I was nervous. He’d told me he manscaped. I waited. And waited. And waited.. And wondered how long I should wait for. He never turned up. And I have never felt more humiliated in all my life.
When I got home after sobbing all the way in the car I chatted to the friend who told me to stay away from pilots. I never had the courage to tell him I’d been stood up. I just told him I’d chickened out.
He repeated – ‘Stay away from pilots, Violet. They’re a bunch of cunts’.